HALLOWEEN!!!!

SO...every year i tend to get a little halloween crazed. I never get to do much, but this year i actually have plans.... and a pretty cute outfit that i made myself!!! *applause*

I've also drawn a picture... though i'm not sure how to finish it. It was inspired by one of my friends, and he shall be the first to see it, hopefully tonight. :)

I'm so glad that the inspiration has returned, it's so nice to be creating (and destroying)!! ^-^

......

I broke up with him.
Last night it was made official.
We took time off, and i did some thinking, and made a decision.

Friends asked what happened, what was wrong, and i told them. They wanted to know my side of the story, and i told them. But then they went and told him their interpretation of things..... When i clearly stated that i was going to talk to him last night. When i tell someone something personal, i expect it to be held in complete confidentiality. I told them things that used to bug me. I have been perfectly fine lately. I have no problem with him.

But last night he called me in a not-so-nice mood, and confronted me. I didn't think anyone had said anything. I didn't think that when i talked to them, they would go and tell him everything. Because when they did, they didn't have the whole story. They didn't know exactly how i felt. Therefore, when they relayed the message to him, they made me sound mad, bitter, upset, and many other things that weren't true.

He thought i was mad at him, that it was over before we'd even begun to talk about it. This isn't true.

I love him, he's a wonderful guy. He made a few mistakes that scared me, and i panicked at first. I talked to a few people. My mom and dad saw me cry, saw me stressed, saw me angry. They grew mad at him for it, and ruined any chance he had of coming over. There were a few discussions on the matter and my parents just don't want to see him. Am i really expected to go against their wishes? Seriously? I have to live with my parents, put up with them everyday when i come home from school and work. They've done a whole lot for me. More than anyone else in this world. (Plus, they can be pretty damn scary. lol)

Now he doesn't want to see me. He says he needs time away, that he doesn't want to talk to me, that this isn't right, that if i decide otherwise, to call him but other than that no contact. I'll respect that.

So to the rest of you: don't come asking me questions about how we're doing. I never have and never will know exactly where he is or how he's doing. Don't expect me to tell you how i feel about him. Because when i do that, he hears virtually every word i speak, but in someone else's terms, not in my own. I don't need middlemen, i need friends who will give me their word of silence.

People hate meddlers. This is why i was reluctant to talk to anyone. But it's okay. What's done is done... and i can't change it. Everything will work out for the best eventually. :)

There are many other people in my life that i have put to the side, and it's wrong. I'm sorry to everyone that i've grown away from, i'm sorry for not being there.

I plan on being the old, happy Emily again.
I'm gonna do stupid things to get in trouble
Stuff is gonna break and you're gonna laugh.
I'm working now, so not all my time is free,
but I'm making more time for more people now.
Like i should have been.

I've realized

When i sit down to write, i always have so much to say! But i'm so scatterbrained that i'm unable to write it all down.

I try to write creatively, and i'm incapable of writing poetry. :) I've realized my "poems" are just random streams of thought that make perfect sense to me but noone else. In a way, i like that better. I see the... Beauty (?) of what i write, and i don't care if anyone else doesn't.

Hm.... I've written part of a play, and i'm really excited about getting all the kinks out. I've found a group of people absolutely ecstatic about performing it for me.... so.... Hopefully within the next two months i'll have it written out and we'll begin practicing. =D

torn

torn between two,
the safe and the adventurous

which do i choose?
to choose the first would mean security,
the latter unknown.

would i rather be safe than sorry?
go with choice A and know what's to come.
i'll have much of my destiny placed out already.

would i rather make the mistake and learn from it?
go with choice B and step away from the sure.
i'll have no guarantee of whether i'm right or wrong.

either way i'm torn.
either way i'm wondering.
either way....
i'll hurt, but in a wonderful way.

i continue to wonder...
and i'm afraid to go forward.

random scribble, my wannabe poem.

I:
am no longer me.

But why?

Frustration is:
rising in my chest.
the devil.
my biggest downfall.

How to handle it??
I:
cry,
pout,
wish,
no longer dream.

Where:
is the inspiration?
am I?
have i been lately?

Lost:
It's the worst answer,
but the only one i find.

I want:
to be found.
someone...
to sweep me off my feet.
to be lost in adventure.
to lay under the stars.
to smile...
like i used to

unconstrained
unconcerned
just happy.

Stress Ruins:
Hopes and Dreams
Lives and Souls.
Relationships.

I wish:
This would cease.
To find the inspiration.
They would stop...
putting me in the middle.
Everyone would be happy again.
To sleep for ever.

I:
am no longer me.

This is why.