whatever...

Thanksgiving Holiday isn't coming fast enough. I'm so tired of being stressed, of rushing home from school to go to work, of worrying whether or not i've finished the homework that the teachers have explained zilch for, tired of teachers ignoring me when i ask for help.

I'm getting an apartment within a few months. I'm getting it with my friend Brie, and i may even be switching to USM if my grant and aid works out. This should be less stress on my parents part, and i'll have the freedom that i've been starving for.

Update

It's funny how every time i get a new job, a certain someone shows up.

I just got my job back at Taco Bell, in which I'm soon to become a manager. I was talking to my manager about this one certain person, when lo and behold, he showed up. Funny thing is, I've been thinking about him a good bit lately... Mostly yesterday.

When he walked in, we were shocked, and the same thing that happens every time happened. My heart started racing. All those old memories flooded my head. I felt like I was going to cry, or faint, or both. I wanted to run up and hug him, and at the same time tell him to get the hell away. My mind and my heart are muddled up right now. I need answers to questions that have been brewing for about two years now. Whether or not I get the answers I want doesn't matter. I just want answers period.

Once I get my answers, I can start to sort out the many thoughts and feelings that run through my mind, holding me back from so much. :D

boredumb

I've realized that my favorite phrase, "Boredom Kills", is very very very true. When my friends and i get bored, we immediately get in trouble... or into trouble i guess. lol This weekend was the perfect testiment to our stupidity (and creativity).

I finally ran up a down escalator... sure it didn't turn out too pretty in the end, with my knee all ripped open and stuff, but it was totally worth it.

I'm ready to have another bonfire. The last one i had with friends caused burnt hair, clothing, and several nice explosions. :D

HALLOWEEN!!!!

SO...every year i tend to get a little halloween crazed. I never get to do much, but this year i actually have plans.... and a pretty cute outfit that i made myself!!! *applause*

I've also drawn a picture... though i'm not sure how to finish it. It was inspired by one of my friends, and he shall be the first to see it, hopefully tonight. :)

I'm so glad that the inspiration has returned, it's so nice to be creating (and destroying)!! ^-^

......

I broke up with him.
Last night it was made official.
We took time off, and i did some thinking, and made a decision.

Friends asked what happened, what was wrong, and i told them. They wanted to know my side of the story, and i told them. But then they went and told him their interpretation of things..... When i clearly stated that i was going to talk to him last night. When i tell someone something personal, i expect it to be held in complete confidentiality. I told them things that used to bug me. I have been perfectly fine lately. I have no problem with him.

But last night he called me in a not-so-nice mood, and confronted me. I didn't think anyone had said anything. I didn't think that when i talked to them, they would go and tell him everything. Because when they did, they didn't have the whole story. They didn't know exactly how i felt. Therefore, when they relayed the message to him, they made me sound mad, bitter, upset, and many other things that weren't true.

He thought i was mad at him, that it was over before we'd even begun to talk about it. This isn't true.

I love him, he's a wonderful guy. He made a few mistakes that scared me, and i panicked at first. I talked to a few people. My mom and dad saw me cry, saw me stressed, saw me angry. They grew mad at him for it, and ruined any chance he had of coming over. There were a few discussions on the matter and my parents just don't want to see him. Am i really expected to go against their wishes? Seriously? I have to live with my parents, put up with them everyday when i come home from school and work. They've done a whole lot for me. More than anyone else in this world. (Plus, they can be pretty damn scary. lol)

Now he doesn't want to see me. He says he needs time away, that he doesn't want to talk to me, that this isn't right, that if i decide otherwise, to call him but other than that no contact. I'll respect that.

So to the rest of you: don't come asking me questions about how we're doing. I never have and never will know exactly where he is or how he's doing. Don't expect me to tell you how i feel about him. Because when i do that, he hears virtually every word i speak, but in someone else's terms, not in my own. I don't need middlemen, i need friends who will give me their word of silence.

People hate meddlers. This is why i was reluctant to talk to anyone. But it's okay. What's done is done... and i can't change it. Everything will work out for the best eventually. :)

There are many other people in my life that i have put to the side, and it's wrong. I'm sorry to everyone that i've grown away from, i'm sorry for not being there.

I plan on being the old, happy Emily again.
I'm gonna do stupid things to get in trouble
Stuff is gonna break and you're gonna laugh.
I'm working now, so not all my time is free,
but I'm making more time for more people now.
Like i should have been.

I've realized

When i sit down to write, i always have so much to say! But i'm so scatterbrained that i'm unable to write it all down.

I try to write creatively, and i'm incapable of writing poetry. :) I've realized my "poems" are just random streams of thought that make perfect sense to me but noone else. In a way, i like that better. I see the... Beauty (?) of what i write, and i don't care if anyone else doesn't.

Hm.... I've written part of a play, and i'm really excited about getting all the kinks out. I've found a group of people absolutely ecstatic about performing it for me.... so.... Hopefully within the next two months i'll have it written out and we'll begin practicing. =D

torn

torn between two,
the safe and the adventurous

which do i choose?
to choose the first would mean security,
the latter unknown.

would i rather be safe than sorry?
go with choice A and know what's to come.
i'll have much of my destiny placed out already.

would i rather make the mistake and learn from it?
go with choice B and step away from the sure.
i'll have no guarantee of whether i'm right or wrong.

either way i'm torn.
either way i'm wondering.
either way....
i'll hurt, but in a wonderful way.

i continue to wonder...
and i'm afraid to go forward.